i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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