Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
