I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
