Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
