YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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