Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
