i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize