so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
