I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize
