Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
