Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
