margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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