You don't have asthma, your pregnant
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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