our cab driver is having phone sex.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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