just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
