Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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