He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
