i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
