i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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