Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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