youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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