The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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