wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
