I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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