i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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