you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
