At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
