So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
