girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
