The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
