Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
