I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
