What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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