Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
