he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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