I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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