i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize