he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
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