meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
