I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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