Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
