dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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