Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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