My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
