Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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