I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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