You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
