apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Two words: nipple clamps
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