Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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