So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
