My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
