I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
