P.S. I can't hear my feet
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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