I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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