Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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