His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
