I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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