I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
